Sometime Love is in crisis:

It is normal that relationships go through different stages and seasons, but what is not true is that as some TV series, when this is not working, the channel need to cancelled, otherwise is a waste of time, money and emotions.

The only problem is when love is on the road every second, so then is when you started questioning each stage of your relationship and to search for a reason to stay. Is that bad, that your brain gives an immediate answer to any question mark in your thoughts, like an automatic reaction.

What is not acceptable is the physical aggression even if is just a light reaction, that is just not right.

If you can wake up in the morning or in the middle of the night to forgive and it is inevitable to sleep hugging each other and then give kisses in the morning with NO DRAMA, then you and your partner are in a safe place... Still.
   

JMOMCOCO

There's some stories that become easily a secrets, friends that become lovers, emotions that become feelings. Sometimes is really hard to learn the difference between the reality and the fantasy of becoming a man of success, not only professionally, also sexually and emotionally, but is so hard because commitments you started adding to your life, some of them, just because a socially accepted behavior or simply because you are not strong enough to reject them.

Some days ago I was thinking, when I stopped researching about my sexuality and when I stopped finding myself, did I already found my true?

I have to say that feeling a deep depression where you cannot wake up in the morning or simply stand up from bed and go to shave in the morning, can be really time consuming (time that normally you will regret to lose later in the week) specially when loads of questions are going around your head.

I realize that depression is part of the day by day tasks and that we have to deal with it, some of us never get to understand why we are feeling bad or down, well, I can tell you that is because that incomplete business we have with ourselves what drive our depression and is when we solve it, when we become better men and women, but unfortunately by social standards the reason how you get away from the feeling will be your secret. What makes you happy become a hidden situation and what convert you into a better person your most deep obsession.

Lucky those who live careless by society standards, lucky those that live mind-young for the rest of their lives.


 

Los sentimientos se revuelven en las tazas del olvido, 

ya el sentido de las palabras se ha perdido y mis frustraciones se encuentran atrapadas en laberintos de mi imaginación que tienden a sonar como mentiras revueltas en pedazos de realidad que a veces no se como explicar.

Son un movimiento exhausto en el camino de la soledad, en donde el intercurso de emociones tiende a mal entenderse por mentes de un pequeño coeficiente mental o simplemente el no querer entender por tener un parametro al mismo modo que una jaula para el canario en el cual el pensamiento no pueda salir a razonar.

La flojera absoluta a pensar y descubrir que hay detrás de aquel libro escrito por historias fantásticas reales revueltas con la fantasía de la emoción. Que pensar de  los pequeños detalles que se pierden cuando estas historias se cuentan sin ilusión, es como una comida inglesa, insípida y sin gusto estático. 

Soy latino y encuentro mis pasiones oprimidas entre la madurez de la edad y la ilusión del futuro aunado a mi mente que refleja una niñez olvidada.

Me convierto en roca, me convierto en coca, me convierto en todo lo que odie... pero tal vez eso es crecer, vas dejando pedazos de emoción, en cada ilusión, en cada recuerdo se pierde algo de mi y cuando me doy cuenta, ya no existo y debo re-encontrarme a mi mismo. Pero que fuerte, que tonto, aun siendo un neófito en esta relación conmigo mismo, en la que quiero terminar pero no puedo, es peyorativa. 

Solo quiero la simplicidad de mi vida, tanto así como cuando me tiraba en las aceras de la calle a ver la luz pasar entre las hojas verdes, en donde al quedarte dormido sentias las miradas de cualquier idiota que pasara, que tal vez no entendiera el momento pero para mi era la magia de la naturaleza y mi momento conmigo mismo.

Muero

A veces morir no es tan malo, si lo vemos desde el punto de vista que morimos todos los dias. Recién hoy salí una vez mas de la clínica un poco desmotivádo y llevado por las malas energías creadas por una vida de excesos y malas decisiones, pero… creo que esa es la vida que llevamos todos al final ninguno toma las decisiones debidas en el momento exacto, de lo contrario todos seriamos perfectos.

Yo creo que si fui perfecto en mi imperfección e ingenuidad de la que en algún modo no me arrepiento y aunque si se pudiese volver al pasado y cambiar algo de el solo cambiaría las cosas que ahora acortan mi vida, pero como saber cuales son, como darte cuenta e ir al momento preciso en el que tomaste la decisión equivocada, simplemente, no se puede!

Muero en cada dolor que siento y vivo en el proceso, por que yo no se si me hace mas fuerte o mas débil, pero si que en cierto modo me agota. Tengo seis hermanos de los cuales 4 de ellos son menores. No tengo todas las repuestas pero puedo ver las cosas desde afuera como si fuera un don dado por Dios, de nuevo, cuantos hermanos mayores no sentimos lo mismos.

A cada uno de ellos les diría que, cortarse el cabello corto siendo mujer -no esta mal, si se lleva con estilo; que hablar apropiadamente no es de homosexuales o de ridículos, son simplemente reglas en las que la sociedad se mueve y si te quieres vestir de éxito debes hablar con el mismo lenguaje de los que nacieron con el o lo lograron en el camino; les diría los complejos no deben matarte que de eso se encarge el tiempo y el reloj de vida, les diría que cuando uno esta calmado toma mejores decisiones, que amar no significa sufrir, que el sufrir no es llorar escandalosamente, que el llorar sea de alegría y si es de algún despecho que sea un llanto del bueno pero que al siguiente día te pares como nuevo a enfrentar el futuro, solo pero acompañado con Dios y la familia que son tus padres y hermano, que la familia no es la que uno considera suya, familia es la gente que te considera familia, que reír no tiene nada de malo y hasta mas duro es mejor, que existe un momento para reír y otro para llorar pero cuando vengan los negocios ninguna de las emociones se debe mostrar por que el misterio siempre crea expectativa y esta puede ganar la mas difícil clientela; no le tengan miedo al dinero de un hombre tenle miedo a lo que harás tu con el, hay tantas cosas que no puedo decir… Ame mucho y con toda mi alma, también odie, pero me di cuenta que lo que importa es el amor propio nadie te puede amar mas que tu a ti mismo y como a ti a tu prójimo, al alguien no se preocupa por ti, no importa el mar esta lleno de todo tipo de peces y de todos colores por que enfocarte en el que pudiste perder.

Yo hoy muero una vez mas, pero sabiendo que hice que me recordaran, hice ruido, hice amar e hice llorar, la vida tiene tanto sentido como la muerte cuando le pierdes el miedo a las dos. A veces morir no es tan malo, yo muero cada vez que entro a la clínica y vuelvo a vivir cuando veo a mi madre sonreír por mi…

 Jonatan Mijares

middle year Part II

Viajó a visitar a una amiga, paseando por los jardines, los cafes y las calles de nostalgia, casi olvido todo lo que tenia en casa, era como huir a una realidad alterna y absoluta donde nunca se encontrara un estorbo en el camino. -si! era libre. En una de las noches que paso huyendo conoció a uno casi igual a el, sin ataduras y de su misma cultura, se besaron con fuerza y pasaron los dos mejores días de la temporada, pero en el fondo sabia que debía regresar a la realidad huida donde ya tenía a alguien esperando. Simplemente, prometio volver a verle y lo invito a su nido. Aunque comprometido con otra alma, no le importo invitar al prototipo deseado y sin menos, ni mas aprovecho lo gris de la situación para tener un momento con el amante. Lleno de excusas y evasiones logro tener su alegria momentánea, un sacrificio que le costo lo establecido. El amor es simple, momentaneo y efímero, amamos todos los dias y dejamos de hacerlo todos los dias, unos nos enamoramos mil veces y otros simplemente ya no sentimos. Donde no hay llanto nunca hubo amor. Me amaste alguna vez, malo es, que lo notaras tan tarde. JMOMCOCO

Middle year Part 1

"No tengo dinero", this phrase used to be use by my father, every single time you asked him for any item displayed on the windows store or activity he didn't want to assist at the school. Funnier is that "SI!! tenía dinero" but the money was supposed to be used in other matters, I never buy it!! so I always went to the closest person and with the same authority, 'my mother'. Ironically my mother used to be the economist in the entire family and the one with power so if you where ok with her, that would mean that you were fine the entire time.

Just telling this story in my post because I never learn to say to my self "no tengo dinero" instead I started spending every single cent I had in my pocket and realise that it was a funny revenge against this childhood memories, a battle between my conscious and my desire, most of the time my desire kicked off that fucking bastard conscious, I created a 'mother' and 'father' situation in my head, and with that i have to battle every single day.

I really thought it was an addiction to spend, even a hate emotion against the money like "lets kill you, die fucking money (you say this words when spending it)" and after that you receive this horrible letter that says "you haven't paid the council tax" FUCK!.

After few months, desperate to find a job, because you are stuck and fucked up, you find the famous English Pubs; mommy is not helping you anymore and daddy is well far from that idea because "you are and independent man!", so you decide to give it a try and that auto-eficient idea of "I can do everything" comes to your head and you start working more that 45 hours a week, just to realize that you couldn't be more stupid loosing the time to find a job in the fields you like, is not to be snob, but unless you are a manager (and I mean the top ones) you don't really use your brain, and for some people this is the dream job!!

DESPITE! my bad english and my every day battle trying to get rid of the money (and God it is really hard) there comes a time when you have to wake up, open your eyes and see "si tengo dinero" is just, YOU DON'T FUCKING USED IN THE RIGHT WAY!! and the mediocre jobs is because you were SLEEPING!!!!!!.

Well I just wrote this to remind you all how stupid you are if you got a talent and you don't use it, but most important of all

DON'T WASTE THE FUCKING MONEY IN STUPID THINGS!!!

New Year 2011 Post

PART I

After complaining a lot, ranting and raving about all little details of my life I have made a reflection... everything that happened this year was enough good to made 2010 one of the most important years of my life.

Everything start in the moment the snow hits London when I was working at Furla's company, where you couldn't make a difference between the cold weather and the coldness of the people working in the stores, but beside all this, the year start with good friends holding my hand and putting a side the Frozen heart's I manage to break the Ice with some of my colleagues and make new friends.

One of the most special memories was talking to my parents at the phone at 12 am and start snowing, quite special, quite cool, that memory define this year's blessing.

Min, a Chinese (cantonese) colleague surprisingly had one of the best offer I have been never made and that's how I've got my new guitar and electric piano. In another hand, feeling all the anger for the simple reason I couldn't find a job in my fields in 2009, makes my self gets more into music, new songs and new open projects with fresh sound came alone in 2010 and when you decide to get deep in you life essence, God (as universal energy) start blessing your path.

On June 2010, Marco push me to what become the most important thing on this year and makes the most of myself and what I'm doing now, the application to the SAE (sound school), always was a dream when I was a kid and them become just a though when I was 20, but never a real desire... mistake thats what I though.
After made the application two things happened, (referring the money) I've get the scholarship, a and one of my best friends lend me money. This show me a lesson, the more relax we are, the more we think, the best decisions we made, sound stupid and logical but some of us NEVER realize thing when getting older, rushing thing is a mistake that we all made when turning some age that we are scare of.

Other special things about this month, is that I was able to leave the company that become a pain in my back for to long time and for the fist time I was relax enough to find the money for myself and feel confident about it and again I got to the point where I said -"is a job everywhere, anywhere at anytime, some jobs are not for us but we decide that, because our laziness we've lost it", simple as that, any person in the word decide to be pour or mediocre, any person in the world decide to be successful and there is a mind limit for everyone some people are just made (because they want it) to be a barman in a pub and some others a big musician, some a cleaner and some a city boy. There is nothing to do where you come from or your education we all search for the future and become what we dream of.

Love... let's talk about love, this year all the confusions came to my mind at once and makes me realize that we never ready. Matureness in relationships depends more about the sync and connection of two people and sometimes that just never happen, is difficult to know a person and not to play mind games, the best way to have everything in peace is just understanding that sometimes someone gotta give, both parts need to be conscious about that and create a balance and a circle of trust, understand that will always be secrets we just have to minimize them. The most important thing is to respect the thoughts and put a side the proudness and the egos, know when is enough of receiving and when is enough of giving.

Part of my happiness is to notice or been able to notice when random people start been real or when fakes rule there life, I have to admit that this control my life issues for a long time and makes my young life miserable because the hurt that cause to discover the true, well probably I'm getting old and that's when we start getting more the reality.

Any reality is different in each mind, mine is in HD the problem is that I have to fix the special effects to make my fantasy look in 3D.

See you next year... on part II